Normal Adolescence
The movement toward independence, sexuality, ethics, and self-direction and the parental role in the process.
Is it ever time to stop holding your child’s hand?
DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS OF EARLY ADOLESCENCE
(AGES 12-14 YEARS)
Movement Toward Independence
• Struggle with sense of identity
• Moodiness
• Feeling awkward or strange about one’s self and one’s body
• Focus on self, alternating between high expectations and poor self-esteem
• Improved abilities to use speech to express oneself
• More likely to express feelings by actions than words
• Close friendships gain importance
• Less attention shown to parents, with occasional rudeness
• Realization that parents are not perfect; identification of their faults
• Search for new people to love in addition to parents
• Tendency to return to childish behavior
• Peer group influences interests and clothing styles
• Complaints that parents interfere with independence
Sexuality
• Girls develop sooner than boys
• Shyness, blushing, and modesty
• More showing off
• Greater interest in privacy
• Experimentation with body
• Worries about being normal
Ethics and Self-Direction
• Rule and limit testing
• Occasional experimentation with cigarettes, marijuana, and alcohol
• Capacity for abstract thought
• Mostly interested in the present, with limited thoughts of the future
• Development of ideals and selection of role models
• More consistent evidence of conscience
MALADAPTIVE ADOLESCENT BEHAVIORS
• Marked change in school performance
• Inability to cope with problems and daily activities
• Marked changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
• Frequent physical complaints
• Sexual acting out
• Depression shown by sustained, prolonged negative mood and attitude, often accompanied by poor appetite, difficulty sleeping, or thoughts of death
• Abuse of alcohol or drugs
• Intense fear of becoming obese with no relationship to actual body weight, purging food, or restricting eating
• Persistent nightmares
• Threats of self-harm or harm to others
• Self-injury or self-destructive behavior
• Frequent outbursts of anger, aggression
• Threats to run away
• Aggressive or non-aggressive consistent violation of rights of others; opposition to authority, truancy, thefts, or vandalism
• Strange thoughts, beliefs, feelings, or unusual behaviors
Perhaps the only thing more difficult than being an adolescent is actually parenting one.
HOW TO DECIDE WHEN TO INTERVENE
Each teenager is an individual with a unique personality and special interests, likes, and dislikes. Most of these adolescents though, will face the tasks of “normal” adolescence listed previously. The behaviors described as normal are not necessarily things parents like or approve of, but are still a part of typical adolescent development. This is a time of limit testing and separating/individuating from parents so kids challenge the rules/values/morals taught to them to see if they really hold true. How parents respond to these expected behaviors is what will determine whether kids move to more at risk behaviors or learns the lessons/consequences needed to be learned.
When should you get involved in your child’s development?
• When your growing concerns and the observation and concerns of others such as teachers, physicians, and family members are escalating
• When behaviors identified on the “maladaptive adolescent behaviors” list present themselves and interfere with daily functioning
Working to help develop independence in your child
• Do not react to the things you do not like rather respond and hold your children accountable.
• Set firm rules and limits but allow some flexibility
• Failure is an unavoidable and healthy part of growing up. We must allow our adolescents to make mistakes on their own and grow from these learning experiences. The parenting done from birth through adolescence has, in most cases, paved the way for your child’s independent decision making.
• Kind, warm, solid relationships (though a challenge with adolescent children) with parents who demonstrate respect for their children, an interest in their children’s activities, and set firm boundaries for those activities directly and indirectly deter criminal activity, drug and alcohol use, negative peer pressure, delinquency, sexual promiscuity, low self-esteem, and school problems.
• Pick your battles. Allow your adolescent choices and the ability to make independent decisions in a number of life areas (e.g. what to eat for lunch, what activities to join, when to do homework) and allow him/her to learn from choices gone wrong.
• Provide psychological autonomy for your children. Respect your teens ideas, even when the ideas are contrary to your own. Encourage independent thinking and the expression of original ideas and beliefs, validating feelings, and expressing unconditional love.
• Teach your child assertiveness skills so that he/she can become an independent self-advocate in school, with peers, and in the community. Stepping in to problem solve for your child hinders progress in developing a sense of independence.